Just Thoughts

Moments become a lifetime and years become a blink. Time has its own irony but then is it really time that is passing by or is it just us who keep moving on, from life to death and to life again. Probably "time" is just standing there watching us. Like when we cross a train and feel that its the other that is moving. 

We live we die and then what? Our successes our failures our deeds how do they matter? Whole our lives we keep struggling right from being a kid, an adolescent, an adult, an aged and these days even as dead. Where does all the sweat go? 

Are there other worlds there or is it only us rationalising things? It’s good that we exist but have we reasoned it ever. Are we totally lost? All our lives we keep running after things may be in whatever form. Money, ambition, love, power and we do achieve them albeit just for a glance compared to the years spent in achieving them. And then just like that one day it’s all over. Do we need to reason our existence?
©Kshitij Ghai

Lost & Found

I went out for a search
And realised I was lost

Trying to find clarity

Unaware of my jumbling thoughts

Now I see a flickering light
A bit too far & not so bright

So I sit down and analyse my perspective

Wisdom is in response and not being reactive

The search begins with me
And ends within me

Question remains

To be or not to be

It is in becoming the answer lies

Chrysalis of the caterpillar holds the butterfly

Even as it crawls its wings are forming sheen
Metamorphosis happens quietly not to be seen

©Kshitij Ghai

The Letter

Below you shall find one of my initial efforts of writing something concrete.Its inspired from a real life incident told to me by my grandfather, although most of it is still a work of fiction.

"Paripona" the dakiya said as he greeted Biji. She handed her a “paisa" which had become so customary whenever he had got her a letter. But dakiya chacha wasn’t so pleased today, he wore a dissatisfied look as he put the paisa in his pocket and peddled away for the other deliveries. At earlier occasions he had received hugs and blessings along with the customary 'paisa', but this time Biji seem to have been pre occupied with her thoughts and had hardly noticed him. It was quite understandable as the special day was nearing. The day she had been waiting for so long.

"Inder" she called me. As I approached her I knew why I have been summoned. It was a routine I have been following for the last three years now. During these years I became so fond of Biji that I would never start my day without receiving her blessings. She handed me The Letter. I opened it with the same enthusiasm as I have always done almost tearing it while opening. I had hardly known than that it was the last time I will be reading a letter to her.

There is a thing about small towns. Petty events can become celebrations. Especially in those days, before the partition when family affairs would become community affairs. So it had been in our town, the whole town was rejoicing for the homecoming of our beloved Shyam. "Sha Ji" as we often called him had been the hero of our small town. The whole town had been preparing for his arrival. There were shamiana's being laid out, water being sprinkled on the mud streets and stage being set. "Sha Ji” & his accomplishments were the talk of the town. The men folk at the choupal had their own respective views about how Shyam had made it big. The sarpanch thought it was sheer luck while others felt that it was the boy’s hard work and determination. And we the kids kept arguing about  who amongst us was his favourite.

In town like our’s with a small population, small achievements could get you a lot of merit and recognition. And what Shyam had achieved was no small feat. What he had done not only got him lot of recognition but even brought our small town to the notice of the entire country.

Shyam was the only kid in the town to have gone for higher education to the university and stood first in the entire state. Life gives you a chance that completely changes life from there on. This chance for Shyam came when he was awarded a scholarship at Oxford for a doctorate in physics. Albeit it wasn't the easiest of decision for Shyam to take. Going to Oxford meant leaving his widowed mother alone for another couple of years. Shyam had thought of dropping his scholarship but it was only due to strong persuasion of her mother that he eventually went on with it.

Biji was the mother of Shyam and I being their fortunate neighbour. I had a special connection with Shyam bhaiya. He was not only my hero but also my ideal. I so remember the days when I would go to his terrace to get my arithmetic problems solved and he would go on to explain me the wonders of physics. Though I had very little interaction with Biji earlier but since Sha Ji left my interaction with Biji had gradually increased. It was then I realised that from where Shyam got all his inspiration. Biji herself was not educated but she was a truly gifted person and realised the importance of education and knowledge in one's life. She didn't leave any stone unturned to make sure his son gets the best of education.

Today when she called me I knew that it would probably be the last time that she was calling me with that eagerness and excitement. I knew that the dakiya chacha had just given her a letter from "Sha Ji" and most probably for the last time since her son was returning home to her arms in a matter of days. I opened the letter with the same enthusiasm as I have always done almost tearing it while opening. As I opened it I could immediately notice that it wasn't Sha Ji's handwriting and as rolled my eyes down I saw that it was signed off by the Principal of Oxford. And then I read the letter to her.

Respected Shakuntla Devi,
With utmost difficulty and sadness I would like to bring to your notice the sad demise of your son Shyam Ahuja. Shyam along with his four friends had met with an unfortunate car accident in which they lost their lives. Shyam was one of the finest students at the Oxford University and will always remain alive in our hearts. The board of trustees have decided to announce a Shyam Ahuja Scholarship in Physics in remembrance of the bright student Shyam was and is also sending you a Cheque of RS 10000.00 for his immense contribution to the field of Physics that he researched through his Doctorate at the university. I along with the entire university pray that may God give you the strength to bear such an immense loss and bless Shyam's soul.

Biji passed away even a month before since we got the news.
©Kshitij Ghai

Hard Times

We think we know it all

We think we are in control

But then comes reality naked on our face

What a waste have been all these days

All our thoughts, plans & efforts swept away

Emotions grumbling, no words to say

A life to live, a freedom to fly

A lost dream in the sky

Questions too many answers too less 

Zillion possibilities in doubt’s nest

What choice to make & which to reject

Not a thing to do but no time for rest

Hard times have hit  

There is  not a glimmer of light

But something within sticks on to the fight
Holding on each breath keeping hope alive

©Kshitij Ghai

Quater Life Crisis

At just days away from having burnt 24 years of my life I still feel absolutely cold. In simpler words I still am perplexed about what to make of my life. Born in an upper middle class business family, (Sons are assets in most business families) I am supposed to carry on my family heritage with pride and honor. For the very purpose a lot was invested upon me on my education. I was trained in Fashion Designing and Information Technology, to back up my family business which is into textile manufacturing for the last five decades. If there is something like perfect planning this would be it. Alas it wasn’t. In the whole episode one thing was left and that was me. It was proudly said that my education was an investment for the business. So that was it, my education an investment and me an asset. But then I guess one thing was forgotten that investments can backfire and assets may become non performing ones. If only I had been treated as a human with aspirations, dreams and a life of my own.

But then hope is what keeps us going, isn’t it?

Albeit, I am confused, struggling to keep pace with life, almost living on the edge, absolutely doubtful of the future, frustrated and lost. I guess it’s still better than living in ignorance. You tell me why do we live or exist. Is it just to eat and reproduce? Living like an animal. All I see around me is a rat race for money. Not that I am against materialism but is it all we got to run for.

Pretending to be happy, pretending to be settled, pretending as if its all good back at home, pretending to be having a great time, pretending to be enjoying everyone’s company, pretending to be somebody I actually don’t even know. Why?

Why do I have to be judged? Why do I have to pretend? Why do I have to be somebody I am not?

Freedom. Well it’s a very ironical word. I sometimes wonder why such an importance is given to freedom. History shows it that a lot many countries have had great freedom struggles. But what happens when it comes down to a personnel level. What happens to our independence? Our freedom to choose a path in life, our freedom to follow our dreams, our freedom to live.

Probably I am saying all this coz things aren’t goin my way, probably coz I am too selfish a person, probably I am wrong , probably its just a phase and probably more probables.

To be continued…